I am not reading books in any particular order for this project, so I have been delighting in the themes that emerge across seemingly unrelated books. As I read Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell, Telling Secrets by Frederick Buechner, and Tattoos on the Heart by Gregory Boyle I found myself reflecting on compassion.
I’m going to start with secrets – a bit of my life story. When I was in the 8th grade, I was sentenced to what turned out to be 2 ½ years wearing a Milwaukee brace for scoliosis. Life with the brace was very different than life before. I wish I could say that it wasn’t really bad (I know my parents still feel bad about this), but it was terrible. People constantly stared at me or asked inappropriate questions. My “friends” disappeared or began to bully me. You know it’s bad when you can’t even go to church without hearing nicknames or being pushed to the ground “because it’s funny to watch a kid in a brace try to get back up.” There were really only a few people that made fun of me (loud enough that I could hear), but their banter was constant. My nicknames included “hunchback”, “neck”, “crip”, and “old ironsides” (which I have to admit is fairly creative). What hurt more than the people who made fun of me, were the “friends” who never stood up for me. Even when my PE class spent an hour spitting on my back! Not a single person suggested that they stop – and certainly no one told me that I was being used for this foul target practice. Even as horrible as all of this seems, I don’t regret it. It sounds cliché, but it really did shape me. Compared to the experiences of many, these experiences are nothing! Why bother sharing these secrets?
Buechner says that “it is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are – even if we tell it only to ourselves-because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing (p3).”
My biggest secret is that for a while I believed the (edited) version of myself that my peers created. Not because I thought it would be more acceptable (as Buechner asserts), but because I felt like this version could not be changed. In junior high, I was rejected by everyone (except my family) because I was visibly different and an easy target. I represented my schoolmates’ biggest fear – that others will discover we are all different from an edited version we put forward. So, I believed the edited version that was created as these adolescent jerks tormented me. I believed that I was no good, and that I wasn’t worthy of friendships. Revisions of this version of my self have taken a long time, and thankfully I have friends and colleagues who respect me and (I hope) see a truer me. Buechner reminds us of the power of sharing our story (secrets) with others. When we share our stories, the listener should hear their own story to see shared experiences and understand that “through these stories…God makes himself known to each of us more powerfully and personally.”
Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell could be my story. Eleanor’s experiences in school were similar to mine (though unlike Eleanor, I had a wonderful home and a family that loved me). When Park makes room for her on the bus he creates space for the two of them to share their story with each other. As these stories unfold through their mutual love of comics and mix tapes, you see how compassion changes each of their stories. As the friendship of Eleanor and Park develops they accompany each other as they share secrets, let go of shame, and discover their own worth. This is how Gregory Boyle describes compassion in his book, Tattoos on the Heart.
In Tattoos on the Heart, you read so many heartbreaking (but beautiful) stories. The reader may be tempted to believe that they have nothing in common with these gang members in Los Angeles; however, what I realized is that we do recognize something of our own story. Everyone feels shame. Boyle reminds us that when we see others outwardly expressing a life that some consider shameful, our own shame is projected onto theirs. We may feel momentarily better, but this is not productive. A more constrictive way to share our story would be to realize that we all do things that are shameful, “…the Lord comes to us disguised as ourselves… the ‘no matter whatness’ of God dissolves the toxicity of shame and fills us with tender mercy (p. 60).” In making this realization, we move towards compassion. Boyle tells us that “compassion isn’t just about feeling the pain of others; it’s about bringing them in toward yourself (p. 75).” In other words, “Compassion is…a covenant between equals (p. 77).”
By sharing stories (secrets), we recognize our shared experience and develop community. Isn’t this what Christ did for us? He didn’t just tell us stories He shared our stories. In compassion, He was one of us.
References:
Boyle, Gregory. 2010. Tattoos on the Heart. Free Press, New York. 240 pp.
Buechner, Frederick. 1991. Telling Secrets. Harper One, New York. 128 pp.
Rowell, Rainbow. 2013. Eleanor and Park. St. Martins Press, New York. 328 pp.
mixtape image from: http://www.wbez.org/blogs/leah-pickett/2013-02/mystery-mixtapes-spark-city-wide-treasure-hunt-105533
I will never be able to wrap my mind around people who think it’s okay to torment others – for any reason. And, to your point, worse yet are those who stand behind, in front, and to the side of the bullied one and do nothing. By doing nothing they are encouraging the injustice. Thank you for sharing your story. You’re an awesome person and I am inspired by your life.
I think this is amazing. Of course, I wish I could change those tormentors. I honestly think YOU should write a book!! You have so much to say.
I think this is amazing. Of course, I wish I could change those tormentors. I honestly think YOU should write a book!! You have so much to say.